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Do not take with alcohol By Christopher Means CHARACTERS ED “BIG ED” CLUTCH – Heavy set Caucasian male in his early thirties MICHAEL “MIKE” DURANTE – Lean Caucasian male in his mid-twenties, hair in a ponytail, wears glasses. EDWARD “EDWARD” MENZIES – Medium build Caucasian male, late twenties. KAYLE MUSTARDE – Stripper, medium height, Hispanic female. DEMETRI ROBERTS – Tan South American male in his early twenties. REBECCA “ROXIE” SHORT – Short, stripper, curvy Caucasian female, curly black hair. HELEN “ANGEL” WASH – Stripper, tall, thin Caucasian female, blond (Bleached) ACT 1 - SCENE 1 FADE IN INT. STRIP CLUB “DREAM” - NIGHT CLUB DREAM A runway stage that ends in a stripper pole. Plush purple seats and black tables surround the stage. To the far left is a bar. In the back are two smaller stages. The décor is meant to give the impression that the establishment is upper class, while still a strip club. The lighting is low, but sporadically lit by occasional strobes and other stage lights. The camera pans across the stages as strippers dance in various levels of dress depending on the final cut. EDWARD narrates in voiceover. Lingering shots will focus on the dancers themselves as EDWARD narrates. EDWARD (Voiceover narration) The most honest people in America, and I say America because I’ve never been to Amsterdam, the most honest people, by profession, are strippers. Of course most people are too distracted to start a conversation. An older man stares blankly up at a dancer as she dances in front of him. EDWARD (Voiceover narration) If you’re sober enough to talk to one it’ll be the most honest talk you’ve ever had. I guess it makes sense if you think about it. What does a naked person have to hide? What’s the point of keeping things inside when everything else is hanging out. The only problem is, even with everything out in the open, the truth may not be what you’re getting. Pan to the bar where EDWARD and BIG ED sit on the edge of the bar drinking and watching the dancers passively. EDWARD is drinking a White Russian and BIG ED is drinking a wine cooler with a purple label. Focus to EDWARD drinking. EDWARD (Voiceover narration) I mean, I can’t even drink real liquor. I drink white Russians because you can put half-and-half in it, which is like saying I only drink hard liquor if it’s on ice crème. I like to tell people it’s so I can stay sober enough to watch the club, but no (EDWARD drinks and winces slightly) I just don’t like it. Could be worse though…
Focus to BIG ED drinking, clearly enjoying a purple wine cooler.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) I could be drinking one of those.
BIG ED Fake. EDWARD (Voiceover narration) That’s Ed. Since we have the same name, even though every one should be calling me Edward, people took to calling him “Big Ed” on account of him being a gorilla. He owns Dream in a manner of speaking, which is to say his wife owns it. It’s best not to ask about that.
EDWARD Bullshit.
BIG ED Twenty bucks. EDWARD If someone is going to pony-up all that money, you’d make them bigger.
BIG ED Twenty bucks then.
EDWARD Five.
BIG ED Ten and I won’t talk about you not having any testicles. EDWARD That’s big of you.
KAYLE I can totally hear you guys.
EDWARD Good, this concerns you.
BIG ED Kayle, do the… (BIG ED shakes his shoulders) thing.
KAYLE (Shaking her shoulders) Happy?
BIG ED Oh yeah. (TO EDWARD) Last chance to up it to twenty.
EDWARD (Staring intently at Kayle’s chest) Twenty.
BIG ED Done. Kayle, cards on the table.
KAYLE I want fifty percent.
EDWARD No way! Just own up Kay.
KAYLE Fifty percent or the secrets safe with me and the girls. BIG ED Fine, ten bucks, lets hear it. KAYLE Fake. EDWARD You’ve got to be kidding me.
BIG ED (snapping) Pay up.
Smash cut to the club entrance, a pair of swinging wood doors of studded fake leather. DEMETRI bursts through the door looking around, he begins searching furiously. Follow to EDWARD and BIG ED.
DEMETRI (Indignant) Where’s Rebecca and that hippie asshole. You fuckers lied to me!
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) This handsome prick is Demetri Roberts, son of Councilman Roberts.
Smash cut to EXT. City Hall – PAST - DAY. In front of a podium an older graying politician is giving a press conference that fades behind the narration. Demetri and Demetri’s mother, a tanned European woman stand next to the politician. Banners proclaim “Roberts for the return of family values!”
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Roberts Sr. based his political campaign on the return of family values, but like his pal Jesus, the second coming hasn’t happened. Instead, Roberts Sr. does field research on the weekends when his wife is back in Brazil…
Smashcut to INT. DREAMS – PAST - NIGHT. The Councilman sits in a plush purple armchair with two strippers in his lap and two more behind him. The Councilman appears to be enjoying himself as he drinks and smokes a cigar. Pan slowly left finding Demetri in a chair next to his father, in a similar situation.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Ed tells him everything’s on the house, and the councilman doesn’t re-zone the area as residential. The only problem is his son, Demetri, doesn’t let well enough alone.
Close up to Demetri whose gaze become fixed on something in the distance behind the camera. On the stage ROXIE dances, the scene becomes light-bloomed and dreamlike.
DEMETRI is alone in several different scenes giving ROXIE money as she dances, lap dances, etc.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) A lot of guys fall in love with the dancers, then they run out of money and things usually work themselves out.
Smashcut to EXT – DREAMS – PAST – NIGHT. The back door to DREAMS slams open and EDWARD forces a CUSTOMER through the door who resists.
CUSTOMER Dude, she totally told me to wait for her in the dressing room, if you’d just let me talk to her I’d—
EDWARD [Stops pushing] Really? My bad man, let’s go find her and she can clear this all up.
CUSTOMER [Stops struggling] Hey it’s cool, I bet you get lots of weird guys—
EDWARD kicks the CUSTOMER in the chest and CUSTOMER flies off camera into a garbage pile. (Possible cat yowl)
RETURN to INT. DREAMS – PAST - NIGHT
But Demetri, he wouldn’t let it go. For the longest time Ed told him Roxie was a hardcore lesbian, and that kept Demetri at bay for the most part.
INT. DREAM – PRESENT – NIGHT
EDWARD Who?
BIG ED Roxie.
EDWARD Oh. [Pauses, looks around] who the hell knows? She could be anywhere.
BIG ED What asshole? DEMETRI You know who I’m talking about! You guys told me she was… you know, gay and all that, and then I see her walking around with some dick at the mall and they’re all over each other! So I ask around and find out their getting married!
BIG ED She jumped the fence. It happens.
DEMETRI Like hell it does! I swear to god Ill turn this place into a preschool if you don’t…
EDWARD (Interrupting) You know there are a lot of girls here, I heard Helen was really into you, but you blew her off.
DEMETRI Who? BIG ED Angel.
EDWARD Angel, right, Angel digs you man. She likes that tan shit you’ve got going on. She doesn’t think you’re a sleazy tool or anything.
DEMETRI Get Roxie, and you’re going to…
BIG ED (Interrupting) Come to think of it she’ll be in tonight. Why don’t you get a table and enjoy yourself.
DEMETRI When she gets here, you let me know. Her, or that asshole.
BIG ED Will do buddy.
DEMETRI leaves.
BIG ED (to EDWARD) You gotta fix this.
EDWARD What? BIG ED Fix it, I’m going to go count receipts in the back.
EDWARD What do you want me to do about it?
BIG ED (From in the back, slightly muted) Fix it!
EDWARD (To self) Son of a...
ANGEL sits on a stool next to EDWARD.
ANGEL (Interrupting) Hey Edward, what’s up?
EDWARD (Distracted) Hey Angel… [pause then in a convincing tone] Heyyyy Angel.
ANGEL Uh, what’s up Edward?
EDWARD Thank god you’re here.
ANGEL I like to think I draw a crowd.
EDWARD No no, I need you to do something for me. You know that rich guy you’ve got a thing for?
ANGEL Which one?
EDWARD The tan one. With money.
ANGEL Ooo, yeah him, I gave up on that. He’s got a serious thing for Roxie. I tried prying him off of her for like a month. So what’s the deal?
EDWARD He’s here and I need you give it another shot.
ANGEL Hell no, I can take a hint. He wants Roxie he can have her.
EDWARD That’s just it, he can’t. Roxie’s getting married.
ANGEL (Squeals and claps excitedly) Oh my god no way! I gotta go find her!
ANGEL begins to walk away, but EDWARD grabs her arm.
EDWARD No wait, look Demetri is still hung on Roxie and now he’s gone all Goodfella’s because she’s getting married. He’s threatened to shut us down.
ANGEL Forget it, if he’s going to be a prick why I should I give him the time of day.
EDWARD Come on Angel, do it as a personal favor to me, I’ll owe you one.
EDWARD pulls out his wallet and hands ANGEL cash.
EDWARD Send him a few drinks to loosen him up, then work some magic. Please, buy me some time to figure out something more permanent. I’m going to go find Roxie.
EDWARD leaves.
ANGEL (To bartender) Hey, I need a Rum and Coke here.
Bartender produces a Rum and Coke. ANGEL searches through her purse and produces a bag of small white pills. ANGEL hums to herself as she drops two pills into the drink and then waves to a waitress who walks over to her.
ANGEL (Looking around the club, she spies someone) Would you send this to that guy up there in the VIP section? Thanks.
The waitress leaves. ROXIE enters and sits next to ANGEL.
ROXIE Hey girl!
ANGEL Roxie, oh my god you’re getting married! I’m so happy for you.
ANGEL and ROXIE hug excitedly, jumping up and down. ROXIE shows ANGEL her engagement ring. ANGEL squeals.
ANGEL It’s so pretty! Where’s Mike?
ROXIE He’s out there somewhere having a drink, I gotta get dressed and get on stage, but I promise I’ll tell you all about it when I’m done.
ANGEL Good luck! Oh, I’m just so happy for you!
ROXIE leaves. EDWARD returns looking anxious.
EDWARD
Was that Roxie? ANGEL Yup, her ring is SO pretty!
EDWARD Did you tell her about Demetri?
ANGEL Shit! I forgot. Oh well that’s okay, a little treat for the Councilman’s son should be kicking in any minute now and then he’s all mine.
EDWARD What?
ANGEL I sent him a drink like you said but I added something to lighten his mood.
EDWARD What are you talking about I’ve been watching Demetri this whole time, he’s in the parking lot yelling at someone on his phone.
ANGEL We’ll then who’s that in the VIP section?
EDWARD (Squinting) I think that’s Mike.
ANGEL Shit! It’s so dark up there…
EDWARD Angel, what did you put in that drink?
ANGEL (Mumbles unintelligibly)
EDWARD Angel!
ANGEL Only Ecstasy. I was trying to loosen him up, you know how lovey-dovey that shit makes you.
EDWARD Oh god…
EDWARD attempts to run to the stairs that lead to the upstairs VIP section, but the densely packed chairs make it difficult. A close up on his face reveals his frustration and then freezes the scene for narration.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) This requires a bit of background for its full effect to be understood, so bear with me. In America we like tall women.
EXT. City – Day - footage of women of various heights walking in the city, focusing in on shorter women wearing heals.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) The average height for a woman in the United States is sixty-three point eight inches or just under five-foot-four. So even though we idolize the tall leggy woman, the truth is most women are comparably short, which is why many wear high heels. In a strip club, where everything is, the ladies wear these…
INT. Display case – Day – A pair of transparent, eight-inch platform heels slowly turn on a white rotating pedestal.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Eight inches of durable transparent Lucite Acrylic Glass molded into strappy sandals known as the “extreme heel”. Durable, long lasting, and most of all…
Return to INT. DREAM – Night – continuing close-up of EDWARD hurrying through the club, suddenly, as he is passing near one of the rear stages, he is struck, clothesline fashion, by a dancers foot wearing the aforementioned heels. Falling to the ground back-first.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Impact resistant.
KAYLE (Surprised) Edward?!
ACT 1 - SCENE 2
ANGEL is walking up the spiral stairs that lead up to the VIP section of the club. MIKE sits near the railing overlooking the stage.
ANGEL Hey Mike… how ya doin?
MIKE Hey Helen, Im doing really good, just sitting and having a drink. By the way, thanks for the drink, I guess Roxie told you we’re getting married.
ANGEL Uh, yeah! Totally. It’s a beautiful ring Mike. You guys we’re totally made for each other. She’s a lucky girl.
MIKE I’m glad you think so, Roxie talks about you all the time. It’s always good when you can pass the best friend test.
ANGEL With flying colors Mike. You’re a good guy Mike, and really forgiving..
MIKE Well, here’s to marriage.
MIKE raises his glass in a toasting manner. ANGEL watches in horror as he finishes the glass. The places the glass down on a small table in front of them and the scene pauses.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Quickly coursing through Mikes bloodstream is a very popular club drug. Ecstasy.
GRAPHIC – slowly spinning MDMA molecule.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Officially named methylenedioxy-methylamphetamine or MDMA, ecstasy’s main function is to boost the brain’s feel-good chemical, serotonin.
Return to INT. DREAM – PRESENT – NIGHT
Normally the brain recycles serotonin and stores it for later use. However, in poor Mike’s brain, its just building up.
ANGEL How are you feeling Mike?
Close up to MIKE who’s face slowly breaks into a broad grin. Following lines are in montage form expressing the passage of an hour. EDWARD (Voiceover narration) The effects of MDMA are unusually predictable. Beginning with an overwhelming sense of euphoria.
MIKE is leaning back in his chair staring up at the ceiling, “Hit me baby one more time” by Britney Spears plays in the club.
MIKE Oh god I love this song.
ANGEL You don’t say.
MIKE It’s like she’s talking to me. It’s so beautiful. Jesus…
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Enhancement of the senses, most notably hearing and touch.
MIKE is begins stroking the arms of his plush chair expressively
MIKE These chairs feel fucking awesome! Angel, feel this chair! I mean… holy shit… its like the music IS the chair, you know what I mean?
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Empathy with others, and an ability to discuss taboo topics with marked ease.
MIKE God! Do you know how brave you must be to do what you do? You are SO brave. I mean, people probably think you’re a slut, but who cares right? What do they know? Uptight pricks. We’re all born naked, you might as well make a few bucks off it right? God you’re hot.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Inevitably there comes the profound and uncontrollable feelings of intimacy with others.
MIKE I love you Angel.
ANGEL What!?
MIKE unsteadily stands up from his chair and walks over to ANGEL.
MIKE I love you Angel. Come’ere…
ANGEL Jesus. Mike, you love Roxie. Remember Roxie? Roxie?
MIKE throws his arms around ANGEL
MIKE Roxie will understand, we all just want to be loved!
ANGEL (struggling) Oh god, no Mike, Mike, get off…
ROXIE (off camera) Bitch!
ACT 1 - SCENE 3
INT – DREAM – NIGHT –PRESENT - EDWARD being struck by the stripper’s foot is replayed. Edward is prone on the floor by the stage.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) It’s not often you regain consciousness with a half-naked woman leaning over you. Okay maybe it is for some people, but it definitely needs to happen to me more often.
KAYLE Oh god I’m so sorry I didn’t see you, I swear.
EDWARD (Attempting to get up) Hey, when you owe people money, these things happen.
KAYLE Oh god I feel terrible. Is there anything I can do?
EDWARD Actually, yes there is, go swipe Angels purse from the dressing room for me.
KAYLE What? Why…
EDWARD (Interrupting) I only need it for like ten minutes, I promise I’m not going to steal anything, but you need to hurry, time is an issue Kay.
KAYLE Jeez, fine, alright, I’ll be right back. Stay here.
KAYLE leaves.
ANNOUNCER Allright let’s give it up for good things coming small packages, let’s here it for Roxie!
Enter ROXIE.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) There aren’t too many people that can say they’ve looked up at Roxie. You’d have to be on the floor under a stage.
EDWARD looks up and waves at ROXIE who waves back. He then looks past her and sees MIKE holding on to ANGEL. His eyes widen and ROXIE notices and turns to see what he is looking at. Her eyes widen and the scene pauses.
EDWARD (Voiceover narration) Roxie is the kind of girl who isn’t ashamed of anything and loves everything about herself. However, she is very insecure about her height. At about four-foot-ten, Roxie is short. Even thought Helen is her best friend she has always been extremely jealous of her for being so much taller and skinnier.
ROXIE Bitch!
EDWARD Roxie wait!
ROXIE hurries off stage, putting one heel in EDWARD’s stomach as she does, and rushes to the stairs of the VIP section. KAYLE returns with ANGEL’s purse.
KAYLE I got it.
EDWARD pulls out the pills and takes two and hands them to KAYLE.
EDWARD Take these and put them in a Rum and Coke. Then find Demetri and tell him it’s from Angel.
KAYLE I don’t know, that’s…
EDWARD Kayle there’s a hundred bucks in it for you if you just do it without asking questions.
KAYLE Pff, deal.
KAYLE leaves. EDWARD make his way the VIP room. ROXIE AND ANGEL are yelling at each other while ANGEL tries to keep MIKE off of her.
ROXIE I knew you’d pull something like this, you just couldn’t stand me getting married, could you? You had to try to steal him.
ANGEL Roxie, sweetie, I SWEAR, it was an accident I sent the wrong drink to the wrong guy. I’m SO sorry.
ROXIE You lying whore!
MIKE (Disoriented and whispering)I love you Angel…
ANGEL (To MIKE) Shut up Mike.
ROXIE Don’t you talk to him like that!
MIKE Hey ROXIE, what’s up?
ROXIE Don’t you talk to me you cheating bastard.
ANGEL ROXIE no, listen I…
ANNOUNCER Angel to the stage, Angel to the stage.
ANGEL Oh god their calling me, I can’t be late again. ROXIE you have to let me explain when I get back.
ANGEL starts to hurry away, but ROXIE grabs her arm.
ROXIE You better come back.
ANGEL exits. MIKE is slumped over his chair, rubbing his hands over the carpet, cooing.
ROXIE What the hell is wrong with you?
ACT ONE – SCENE 4
INT – DREAM – NIGHT – PRESENT – ANGEL dances on the main stage, DEMETRI slowly staggers to the stage, greeting everyone he walks by. DEMETRI (Happily) Hi Angel!
ANGEL Hey there big guy, you’re in a good mood.
DEMETRI I’m in a GREAT mood! Everything’s so… so… great!
ANGEL That’s… great, have you been drinking?
DEMETRI Not really, just that one you sent me. That was REALLY nice by the way. You’ve always been so nice to me… so nice…
ANGEL Oh lord, DEMETRI honey, did you notice anything fizzing away at the bottom of your glass?
DEMETRI (Shrugs)
ANGEL You poor thing.
DEMETRI Angel?
ANGEL Yeah?
DEMTETRI Am I a dick?
ANGEL Yeah, a little.
DEMETRI looks crestfallen.
ANGEL What’s wrong?
DEMETRI (sullen) I’m a little dick.
ANGEL Lord, I hope not…
ENTER EDWARD
EDWARD Helen! Where’s Roxie? I can’t find her.
ANGEL She’s in the VIP section with… MIKE?
MIKE staggers to the stage MIKE (accusingly) Hey hey hey hey… hey. What’d you think your doing? That’s my Angel. We’re in LOVE!
EDWARD Oh you’re kidding me.
ANGEL This is all your fault.
ANGEL Hey I didn’t tell you to spike his drink, I just wanted you to get him drunk and hit on him.
DEMETRI (Enthusiastic but not yelling) No, no, no, Angel loves me and my little dick!
EDWARD Oh, that’s fucking awesome. I’m going to remember that forever.
ANGEL You’re not helping.
MIKE (Shoving DEMETRI) Hey, stop saying… things!
ROXIE enters
ROXIE God Mike, I’m gone for a minute and your already down here with your whore.
DEMETRI She’s not a whore! She’s… (dreamily) …an angel.
ROXIE Demetri?
MIKE She’s MY angel!
ROXIE Mike, you bastard.
EDWARD Roxie…
ROXIE Why does everybody love you? (mocking) Cause your tall? Cause you bleach you hair, badly?!
ANGEL (Insulted gasp)Better than being a dwarf!
ROXIE (Insulted Gasp) Bitch, I’ll cut you!
EDWARD Roxie…
ROXIE Back off Ed I’m gonna cut her off at the knees; see how she likes dancing in a wheelchair!
EDWARD They’re on X Roxie.
ROXIE What?... We’ll whatever, he knows where he is, he knows what he’s done.
EDWARD Oh for fuck’s sake Rox, for all they know they’re on the moon. Just look at them.
ROXIE (Roxie studies mike. Ecstasy?
EDWARD Yup.
ROXIE Why should I believe you?
DEMETRI, suddenly naked, stands up on a table.
DEMETRI I’m the king of naked! Angel is my Queeeeen!
EDWARD Thank you Jesus.
ANGEL (reproachfully) ED!
EDWARD What? That doesn’t speak for itself? You don’t think he might be just a little high?
MIKE No, no, no she’s MY queen!
MIKE tries to take off his clothes but gets stuck in his own shirt and spins around until he trips over a chair and crashes into a table.
ROXIE Michael!
EDWARD He’ll be fine. Take him home and make sure he drinks plenty of water. I promise by morning everything will be back to normal.
EDWARD whistles for a bouncer. The bouncer and ROXIE take MIKE out the front door.
DEMETRI I win! Woo!
ANGEL What do you want to do with the king over there?
EDWARD looks at DEMETRI and then kicks the table DEMETRI is standing on cause him to crash into a plush chair.
EDWARD Well, we could take pictures and sell them to the press. “King of naked declares war on pants”
ANGEL No.
EDWARD Come on, you wouldn’t have to get me anything for my birthday ever again. It’s the ultimate gift, I’d treasure it forever.
ANGEL Ed, no.
EDWARD Fine, do what you want, I’m going home.
ANGEL Sweet.
EDWARD exits to the backroom where BIG ED sits watching basketball.
EDWARD How are those receipts coming?
BIG ED How they hell would I know. Did you fix it?
EDWARD Oh its fixed alright. I’m taking tomorrow off.
BIG ED Fine.
EDWARD Alright, night man.
BIG ED Forgetting something?
EDWARD (Sighs) What could you possibly want?
BIG ED The twenty bucks you owe me.
EDWARD I fucking hate you ED.
BIG ED Back at you big guy.
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