|
Ways of the Red Lotus Clan By Christopher Means Contributions from Christopher Bunch
FADE IN: INT. JAPANESE STYLE DOJO - NIGHT SENSEI sits in lotus position in a bright red martial arts uniform at the center of the dojo, he appears to be meditating. On the walls are various posters such as a “Pressure Point” chart a safety poster declaring “Watch where you throw! Only you can prevent shuriken accidents.” and a “Hang in there baby” poster with several throwing stars lodged in the hanging kitten. PHIL, TED, BILL, and KEVIN enter from the left toward SENSAI. Each is wearing an identical bright red ninja suit aside from KEVIN whose ninja suit is pink. They walk towards him somberly. SENSEI
Ah, you have returned. I take it Shogun
Takanawa has met with an untimely demise? TED We were seen Sensei. SENSEI What? That’s like the first thing we taught you, what’s the very first thing we taught you guys? PHIL, TED, BILL, and KEVIN (omni) (as though being lectured) Move in the shadows, be invisible. SENSEI Then what happened? You’ve been training here for five years now, and you’ve yet to assassinate anyone! PHIL
(Whispering) BILL Yeah Ted, tell him. TED Um, Sensei. The guys and I were talking about that.
SENSEI I should hope so! Helpful criticism is key to any group dynamic. TED Yeah… well we were talking and we’re finding it really hard to stay hidden. SENSEI Are you staying in the shadows? TED Yes Sensei, but, well… we think it might have something to do with our ninja uniforms. SENSEI Are they binding in the crotch again? I thought we fixed that. TED No, that parts fine. PHIL Yeah, that parts great. BILL Great. TED Right, anyway, it’s not the tailoring... it’s the color. It sort of makes us stand out. SENSEI But we’re the Red Lotus Clan, our uniforms are red. PHIL I read somewhere that red is like the first color the eye focuses on. SENSEI The Black Lotus Clan wears black uniforms. TED Yeah, turns out all of the real ninja clans are wearing black, it really helps them hide in the shadows. SENSEI Hey hey hey, what have I told you guys? PHIL, TED, BILL, and KEVIN (omni) We’re real ninjas. SENSEI That’s right. So they’re all wearing black uniforms. Damnit, I thought there was a color theme going on. TED Nope, no color theme. BILL No color theme. SENSEI Damnit! Hey, where’s Steve? TED Oh, Steve didn’t make it. BILL Yeah apparently being bright red made him a perfect target for the Shogun’s guards. He never had a chance. SENSEI Aww, poor Steve. TED It’s alright Sensei, Steve was a terrible ninja… and kind of an asshole. BILL Yeah, he owed me money. Speaking of which, where is Steve’s locker. SENSEI (pointing) Over there, number fourteen. BILL EXITS LEFT SENSEI Well okay, so the ninja suits are the a bad color. We can change that. Then We’ll show that Black Lotus Clan. Right guys? Objective oriented thinking! (Awkward Silence) TED Well, that’s not the only problem. SENSEI What? What else is wrong? TED We’re having issues with the Shibou-seppun. PHIL The what? TED The Shibou-seppun, we talked about this before we got here. Don’t you remember? PHIL I… I don’t speak Japanese. TED What? You don’t… nevermind. It means “Kiss of Death” PHIL Oh that! Yeah, we’ve got huge problems with that. KEVIN I don’t Sensei, I’ve mastered the Shibou-seppun! BILL returns from left counting money. BILL Of course you have, Kevin. You only practice it any chance you get… especially if you think Ted is going to be there. KEVIN What’s that supposed to mean? BILL Come on, you’re the only one wearing a pink ninja suit. KEVIN It’s red. The colors ran when I washed it. BILL I haven't had any problems with the colors running on mine? How about you Phil. PHIL Nope, no problems at all. SENSEI Enough, silence! What’s wrong with the Kiss of Death? TED It’s… uncomfortable. SENSEI Of course it is! It’s deadly! Our deadliest signature move! TED Yeah, no, I mean it’s uncomfortable for us. SENSEI Maybe it’s your technique. Ted, show me your technique on Kevin. KEVIN OK! TED I am not training the kiss of death on Kevin… anymore. He always grabs my head. SENSEI He is simulating a struggle. BILL I don't really think he is... TED Sensei, we don’t really want to use it anymore. SENSEI But we spent years gaining immunity to the poison we put on our lips! It’s our signature means of assassination! We’re famous for it. BILL Last night after we tried to assassinate Shogun Watanabe I went to kiss my wife goodnight and now she’s in a coma. TED Yeah, I mean, if we were women, it would make sense… KEVIN (overlapping Ted’s statement) I’m a woman. TED …but we’re not... wait, what? KEVIN I’m a girl. BILL You are not, you’re names Kevin. KEVIN That’s my ninja name. You guys couldn’t tell? TED We just thought you were.. you know... TED What? KEVIN Nevermind, Sensei we’re not getting famous for the Kiss of Death so much as we are ridiculed for it. SENSEI Oh no we aren’t. PHIL Yesterday, during lunch, Akuma from the White Lotus Clan made the secret ninja handsign of “You give oral sex to men” at me. SENSEI Was he wearing a white ninja suit? PHIL No, it was black. SENSEI Damnit! BILL Can’t we just stab them in their sleep? It’s pretty easy. PHIL That makes sense to me. SENSEI No, no, we need a signature move, anyone can just stab someone in their sleep, you need a way for the people to know who killed their shoguns. It’s like a calling card. BILL Then why don’t we… SENSEI We’re not going to just start leaving calling cards! Listen, all of the other ninja clans have signature moves. The Green Lotus Clan uses trained vipers to assassinate people. Vipers! KEVIN That is pretty cool. SENSEI Your damn right it is. All the ninja clans have signature moves, so were never going to be respected if we don’t too. TED Wait, they all have signature moves? SENSEI Yes. TED Then who’s stabbing people in their sleep? SENSEI Well… BILL Hey yeah! We could be the Ninja Clan that stabs people in their sleep. TED Old school. SENSEI (sighs) Fine. You may try this “Stabbing” technique on Shogun Watanabe, I received a contract on his life before you returned. Go, be swift, silent, and use teamwork! Hai! FADE OUT FADE IN PHIL, TED, and KEVIN enter left toward SENSAI. Their newer black ninja suits are covered in blood. SENSEI Oh my god, what happened? Did you kill Watanabe? TED Oh he’s dead alright. PHIL Really dead. SENSEI Why all the blood? TED It was awful. We snuck into the Shogun’s palace, but once we got into his bedroom, it was so dark we couldn’t see each other anymore because of these black ninja suits. So Bill starts reaching around in the darkness and ends up grabbing my shoulder... SENSEI Where’s Bill? TED I was in a state of heightened awareness! You don't sneak up on a guy in that frame of mind. I thought Bill was a guard. I spun around with my ninja sword and... well... PHIL He cut off Bill’s arm. SENSEI What? TED I was startled! The arm goes flying and hits Kevin in the face, but she catches it. Bill spins a few times and sprays Phil and me with blood, then passes out. PHIL He was like some kind of horrible lawn sprinkler. Around and around and around... TED It was suddenly quiet. So I go up to the Shogun hoping to get this over with, I creep up to his bed, position myself to deliver the killing blow, when Kevin suddenly realizes she’s holding Bill’s severed arm. KEVIN (Exasperated) I said I was sorry! TED She starts running around room in circles screaming, which wakes up the Shogun, who starts screaming. PHIL I don’t know why, but in the confusion, Ted and I totally forgot all of our weapon training and just started hacking at the guy randomly just to get him to shut up. TED Once the guards showed up we grabbed Kevin, threw a smoke bomb, and ran. (Pregnant Pause) SENSEI Wow, well... uh, how do you feel? You assassinated the Shogun and only lost one man. KEVIN (sobbing) We still have his arm. SENSEI Bonus points. So, feeling proud of you’re first kill? TED Are you kidding, that was the worst experience of my life! Who the hell would want to do this for a living? Phil and I are covered in another man’s blood, Bill’s dead, and I’m pretty sure Kevin has Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. KEVIN (Soft crying) PHIL Yeah, (to SENSEI) you’re a horrible man, isn’t there a better way to solve your disputes than murdering government officials? SENSEI Well... maybe, but... PHIL But nothing! God, I quit. (Throws sword on the ground) TED Me too! (Throws sword on the ground) KEVIN (Pitiful whimpering) (Drops sword on the ground) EXIT PHIL LEFT SLOWLY EXIT KEVIN LEFT TED Stupid ninja’s, I never should have dropped out of law school. EXIT TED LEFT BILL ENTERS SLOWLY FROM LEFT BILL I wasn't dead! You guys suck! END
|